If April showers bring May flowers. What does hail bring? Well, it sent me running for cover in our basement last night! As I headed for the door I grabbed How to Never Look Fat Again: Over 1,000 Ways to Dress Thinner – Without Dieting! by Charla Krupp.
While the hail bombarded our roof, I was hunkered on a beat-up kitchen climb chair thumbing through the pictures. As the mud swirled around my legs, I was thankful that I was wearing the correct boots to make me look thin.
Charla says, “Over-the-knee boots look too lady-of-the-evening. Mid-calf boots and short boots are out of the running, too. Any boot that hits across the widest part of your calf is not the boot for you; it should hit right under the knee.”
She continues, “Stick to dull, soft leathers or suede; patent is a fattening finish.” Pshew! My brown soft leathers were perfect. Although, I could wipe the mud off my boots better if they were slick patents.
Listening for the roar of an impending tornado, I scanned the photos of “bootiful” celebs looking thin in evening gowns. The book displays the usual suspects: Jessica Beal, Jennifer Lopez and Beyoncé. According to Charla, all I need is shapewear like Spanx and I will have smooth assets. Bless her heart; she does not know me very well.
If I go flying through the air like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz, I can only hope that the ruby slippers will not come with ankle straps. Apparently, straps will cut across my wide ankles making me look “stumpified.” Heaven forbid.
When the storm began to ease, I was thankful I did not have to return to earth with my flappy arms. My peasant dress was a no-no! Charla says, “A peasant is not so pleasant when its banded puff sleeve hits you across the widest part of your arm, especially in a contrasting color.”
But it was Charla’s best suggestion to hide belly fat that I took to heart. “Hold your bag in front of your stomach, a tried-and-true celebrity trick. A big clutch works, too.” On page 124, Jessica Simpson sports luggage size purses in three photos demonstrating this technique. I chose to emerge from the dark basement carrying my cat.
Skip the purchase, and check this book out at the library. Charla uses too many skinny celebs like Reese Witherspoon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Jessica Parker to make her point. Come on! Have you ever seen Kelly Ripa sport extra weight?!?
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
How to Never Look Fat Again (copy)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Year of the Tiger! (copy)
This may be the Chinese Year of the Rabbit, but it feels more like the year of the tiger. This has nothing to do with Tiger Woods! I am talking about new books with tiger in the title. Actually, I may spend my summer reading all these tiger books making it the summer of the tiger.
Here is the list of outstanding books with tiger in the title: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua, The Tiger: A True Story of Vengeance and Survival by John Vaillant, Tiger, Tiger: A Memoir by Margaux Fragoso, and The Tiger’s Wife by Tea Obreht.
Amy Chua began her book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, with one goal in mind. She wanted to show that Chinese mothers are superior to American mothers. Stereotypically, Chinese students do achieve more in our American society. She herself a law professor at Yale raises two daughters, Sophia and Lulu. Sophia performed at Carnegie Hall at the age of 14 and Lulu is a statewide violin prodigy.
Chua claims it is the “Tiger Mother” who trains her children for success. She opens her book with, “The Tiger, the living symbol of strength and power, generally inspire fear and respect.”
The Tiger by John Vaillant tells the true story of a man-eating tiger in Russia. From reviews read, readers will be entranced by the Russian history and the big cat’s fearless stalking of human prey. One story has a tiger pulling a mattress out of a cabin and laying on it while waiting for the woodsman to return. The tiger left only traces of the unlucky man, “so small and so few they could fit in a shirt pocket.” Gulp.
Publishers Weekly says Tiger, Tiger is a, “gut wrenching memoir [that] eloquently depicts psychological and sexual abuse in disturbing detail.” I am getting anxious just typing this international bestseller by Fragoso making its American debut this year.
Another international author sensation is 25-year-old Tea Obreht. Born in Yugoslavia in 1985 she revisits her childhood home in her debut novel, The Tiger’s Wife. Main character, Natalia, relates a story told by her grandfather of an escaped zoo tiger that befriends a deaf-mute woman. Two different stories run concurrent in what BookList claims, “[a] gripping novel of legends and loss in a broken land.”
And you thought Tiger's Wife would be a scathing tell all by Elin Nordegren. Have a roaring good time this summer reading all these books.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Loving Frank (copy)
One of the things I like about reading is that I can do it at any time. Prop my feet up on the chaise and nap with a book. Read in the kitchen while waiting for water to boil. Listen to a book on tape as I commute to races. Whip out a paperback while waiting in line at the MDOT.
What do people do on sleepless nights if they are not readers? I always wonder this early in the morning when I cannot sleep. I get out of bed and head to my favorite chair and read for an hour or 30 minutes and then go back to sleep. It works like a charm.
For the past two weeks, I have spent a lot of time reading in the wee early hours. My sinuses wake me around three(ish) and instead of fighting it, I boil some water and take in warm liquids while getting comfy in my chair.
These past weeks I find myself searching the rues of Paris for Kotzwinkle’s Loli in The Hot Jazz Trio and following that Loving Frank adulterer, Mamah, as she navigates the judgments of Chicago’s Victorian society. Then I head back to bed to dream about these characters.
Loving Frank by Nancy Horan is a debut novel that lingers in the minds of readers. It is the fictionalized story of the true love affair between Martha “Mamah” Borthwick and Frank Lloyd Wright.
They met when Mamah’s husband, Edwin, wanted to build a modern home. They lived in a choppy, over stuffed Queen Anne on Oak Park that originally belonged to her father. A neighborhood over was a new home by local architect, Frank Lloyd Wright, that had everyone gossiping. During the open house Edwin fell in love with the spacious, entertaining floor plan.
Mamah knew Catherine, Frank’s wife, through the 19th Century Club where they were both members. Through Edwin’s persistence, they began to socialize with the Wrights and Frank agreed to submit plans for their new home.
As the house takes on shape so does Mamah and Frank’s relationship. They love books and share the same fondness for “Ruskin, Thoreau, Emerson, Nietzsche, and Goethe.” A librarian before the children, Mamah finds a peer in Frank. Edwin does not like to read.
Mamah’s thoughts propel this book; although, readers will gain insight into the young architect genius, too.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
For All the Tea in China (copy)
I blame it on Major Pettigrew and his last stand. The book I talked about two weeks ago oozed Englishness. The constant drinking of tea had me wondering where it all began. So, I picked up Sarah Rose’s new book For All the Tea in China: How England Stole the World’s Favorite Drink and Changed History.
Oh, my! This is not a boring history lesson like I thought, but a tale of espionage in a foreign land to steal trade secrets. Rose states, “Tea met all the definitions of intellectual property: It was a product of high commercial value; it was manufactured using a formula and process unique to China, which China protected fiercely; it gave China a vast advantage over its competitors.”
Back in the 1700 and early 1800’s, England had a lucrative business with two nonnative flowers. The poppy and the camellia were creating quite an economic growth in India, China and the U.K. India, ruled by the Queen, grew poppies for trade with China who cultivated tea for the English. Everything was going smoothly until China recognized that they could grow their own poppy crop.
In these times, Europeans were nonexistent in the countryside of China. An occasional Frenchman travelled up the Yangtze for mission work, but the white devil was strictly forbidden.
When Robert Fortune first entered the country in 1845 he was restricted to the port of Canton. Forbidden to walk in the city, he would be jailed if he left the warehouse during his stay. He never saw the 20 foot wall that enclosed the town just a block away.
Without education or a prestigious family, Fortune was destined for the machines of the Industrial Age, but he had a passion for the exotic. He set sail at the age of 13 and found he disliked the sailor’s life but loved the discovery of new places, plants and cultures. He documented everything and fancied himself a self-taught botanist.
War of the Roses would not be red but pink if it was not for Fortune. He is the Double Yellow in tea roses and the rare white wisteria. The plant he is most known for (the kumquat) is locally known as a Fortunella.
Follow Fortune as he makes his way through the countryside in search of green and black tea dressed as a Mandarin spy named Sing Wa or Bright Flower. I would not surprise me to hear the Fortune Cookie is also named after him.
