Wednesday, April 27, 2011

How to Never Look Fat Again (copy)

If April showers bring May flowers. What does hail bring? Well, it sent me running for cover in our basement last night! As I headed for the door I grabbed How to Never Look Fat Again: Over 1,000 Ways to Dress Thinner – Without Dieting! by Charla Krupp.

While the hail bombarded our roof, I was hunkered on a beat-up kitchen climb chair thumbing through the pictures. As the mud swirled around my legs, I was thankful that I was wearing the correct boots to make me look thin.

Charla says, “Over-the-knee boots look too lady-of-the-evening. Mid-calf boots and short boots are out of the running, too. Any boot that hits across the widest part of your calf is not the boot for you; it should hit right under the knee.”

She continues, “Stick to dull, soft leathers or suede; patent is a fattening finish.” Pshew! My brown soft leathers were perfect. Although, I could wipe the mud off my boots better if they were slick patents.

Listening for the roar of an impending tornado, I scanned the photos of “bootiful” celebs looking thin in evening gowns. The book displays the usual suspects: Jessica Beal, Jennifer Lopez and BeyoncĂ©. According to Charla, all I need is shapewear like Spanx and I will have smooth assets. Bless her heart; she does not know me very well.

If I go flying through the air like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz, I can only hope that the ruby slippers will not come with ankle straps. Apparently, straps will cut across my wide ankles making me look “stumpified.” Heaven forbid.

When the storm began to ease, I was thankful I did not have to return to earth with my flappy arms. My peasant dress was a no-no! Charla says, “A peasant is not so pleasant when its banded puff sleeve hits you across the widest part of your arm, especially in a contrasting color.”

But it was Charla’s best suggestion to hide belly fat that I took to heart. “Hold your bag in front of your stomach, a tried-and-true celebrity trick. A big clutch works, too.” On page 124, Jessica Simpson sports luggage size purses in three photos demonstrating this technique. I chose to emerge from the dark basement carrying my cat.

Skip the purchase, and check this book out at the library. Charla uses too many skinny celebs like Reese Witherspoon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Jessica Parker to make her point. Come on! Have you ever seen Kelly Ripa sport extra weight?!?